Specks of victory

They warn you to be okay with being uncomfortable. You read a hundred blog posts that say the same. YOU RETWEET QUOTES ABOUT IT. You think to yourself, “It’s part of why I’m doing this, because I was too comfortable in my previous life – I was getting too stagnant.” But no…you have no idea.

No idea what it will be like to go from having every answer you need, from being queen of your domain, from feeling good about yourself because in general you’re doing shit right, to experiencing day after day of failure, to being thrown so off-balance by the paradigm shift that it even starts affecting the rightness of stuff you do in your home life, to feeling afraid to do anything at all because recent experience has taught you the probability of getting it right is NOT GOOD.

And you thought you had this discomfort thing down because hey, you’d already survived letting down the ones who count on you by quitting your cushy job; and hey, you’d already gone against everything you believed about money in order to take a giant risk with basically your entire savings account; and hey, you’d already spent countless hours over the last 16 weeks alone, with yourself, dealing with the crazy beasts inside your head. But no…you had no idea.

No idea that this discomfort would tear you down, but it doesn’t build you back up, no – it leaves you to fend for yourself, leaves you to sift through the rubble looking for the tiniest speck of ANYTHING you can call a victory. Last week you were aware that you had strengths and weaknesses. This week you only have weaknesses and a keen desperation to not feel like a fool. So you search, and you search, and eventually your brain comes up with:

Weakness: Teaching others.
Speck of victory: Within that inability to guide/teach someone else, there lies a window for them to find their own way. And I do have the ability to support people as they discover their own best way of doing things, and encourage them, and help them feel safe making mistakes.

Weakness: JavaScript solutions don’t come naturally to me.
Speck of victory: My code is organized, detailed, and at least I do understand what it’s doing.

Weakness: Basically terrified of meetups.
Speck of victory: I still make myself go.

And your brain has to be satisfied with these three itty bitty victories it found, because you now have 5 hours to sleep before getting up and throwing yourself at failure again. And you’re not quite sure if the rest of your life will be this way, but it’s the decision you made, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Author: Ashly

I like learning, food, travel, and sports, and I love Salt Lake City.